Funny Stuff

7 Lies I Told Myself When I Was Pregnant

Ahhh pregnancy. A time for hopes and dreams. A time for other mothers to nod img_7252-2approvingly while you ramble on about your childrearing plans and then smirk knowingly with their mom-friends after you turn your back.

“They’re so judgmental” I said when other moms gave me carefully neutral responses like, “That’s a good idea in theory.” or “Yes, if you have that kind of time.”

No, I wasn’t going to be some kind of frazzled, tired, corner-cutting mom. I was going to be the envy of everyone. I would be a walking Pinterest board with the smartest, most advanced baby on the block.

I was wrong. I was very, very wrong.

I’m not going to be one of those parents with lots of baby stuff. All the baby really needs is its mother.

HAHA. Medically speaking, this is true. In practice it’s nearly impossible. You’ll singlehandedly keep Amazon afloat in the early days looking desperately for any kind of apparatus that will keep your baby asleep for more than 15 minutes. This habit will quickly spiral completely out of control when Amazon introduces same-day shipping in your area. When she gets older you’ll obsessively study the toys your child enjoys at baby groups and friends’ houses and then hunt them down and buy them so you can perform necessary tasks like showering and drinking coffee. Your living room will look like Fisher Price threw up rainbows and plastic. You will convince your husband to move one of your sofas INTO ANOTHER ROOM to dedicate more space to playing.

I’ll just sleep when the baby sleeps.

No you won’t. You’ll shower, eat, pee, cry, and research sleep on the internet when the baby sleeps. You’ll have had so much coffee by the time the baby goes down for her first nap that you won’t physically be able to close your eyes.

I’m going to get back into shape immediately. How hard can it be?

Oh, hey Laura from 8 months ago- it’s pretty fucking hard. Month 1 postpartum will basically be a write-off because you will barely be able to stand up. You will wear adult diapers for far longer than you probably need to, and it will take you a long time before you get up the courage to stand up unassisted. Going number 2 will be a daunting task that requires extra childcare and moral support. Going to the gym will never cross your mind. Months 2-4 will be progressively better, but there is a risk of weeing yourself essentially every time you stand up so working out is not your biggest concern.  You’ll feel back to normal by months 5 and 6, but that’s when your daughter will start to wake up every 45 minutes throughout the entire night and then begin her day at 5 am. On those days you won’t feel like using her nap times to go for a quick jog and instead you’ll eat mass quantities of cake in order to keep from murdering your husband when he comes home from partying all day work. You’ll get in shape alright, starting tomorrow.

Of course I’m going to breastfeed for AT LEAST 6 months, why wouldn’t I?!?

Well, for starters its really difficult. Sometimes your baby doesn’t want to do it, sometimes your nipples are hurting so much you can’t take it. Sometimes you’re not making enough milk. It’s also possible that you have other things to do besides sitting around with your boobs hanging out for all to see while your baby screams and looks around. Maybe you will get sick and your milk supply will drop, maybe you’ll give your baby a bottle so you can have just one glorious stretch of 4 hours sleep and the little jerk will decide he prefers to have his dinner that way and shun your boobs forever. Maybe you’ll just really hate it. There are a lot of reasons, judgey, pre-baby Laura. GET OVER YOURSELF.

The baby will fit into my life. I am not going to be one of those moms who never gets out of the house.

Whatever you say, lady. Some days you won’t even get out of your pjs, let alone out of the house. You will become so addicted to your routine that it literally causes you anxiety if you’re even a few minutes late for nap time. You will stop caring what people who are in the “go with the flow” school of parenting say. You will scoop up your child in the middle of a wedding/lunch date/award ceremony/swim class/sentence and get her into her crib by 12:00 on the dot because there is literally nothing in your life that is more important than sleep. NOTHING.

This baby will not affect my relationship. I won’t let it.

Good one. The baby will test you as a couple in a million ways. You will have to bite your tongue when your husband holds the baby because he isn’t doing it the way you do it correctly. You have to trust your partner with the single-most important thing in your life. You have no idea what you’re doing. You are really mean (to everyone but especially your partner because they are such an easy target) because you haven’t slept in months. You have to find a way to compromise on parenting issues that you disagree on. It definitely affects your relationship and the only thing you can control is whether or not it’s in a positive way.

I’m not going to be one of those obsessed moms

Um, yes you are. Being obsessed with your children is basically the defining characteristic of moms.

5 thoughts on “7 Lies I Told Myself When I Was Pregnant

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