Blah blah blah I got less sleep and felt a “love like no other”. Here are a few other ways my life has changed.
1. I’m no longer in any of my own pictures
You might notice that my Instagram photos have gone from depicting my life of yoga/beach/general awesomeness to almost exclusively pictures of my child and dog. This is in part because we live in England so outdoor landscapes are out of the question, but most of the reason for this sudden shift in my online persona is that I look like a hobo about 90% of the time because things like drying my hair, putting on makeup and choosing an outfit don’t rank very high on Hazel’s list of priorities. Showering also doesn’t make the cut, but I was too ashamed to admit it in that last sentence.
2. Most of my conversations take place through my child
Ugh I know. I’m the absolute worst. I don’t know when it happened, but I became one of those people who talks to others through their own child (I wonder if you are picking up on the shame I feel as I write this). Sometimes it’s a passive-agressive way to get my husband to change a dirty diaper, in cases like this I think it might be passable as normal behavior. Other times it’s genuinely a character flaw that I posses and a hurdle I must overcome when trying to make adult friends that are not mothers suffering from the same issue.
3. I’m completely obsessed with sleep
Everyone knows that new parents get less sleep than they used to. What people don’t realize is that sleep becomes an all encompassing obsession. What I mean by this is that I am not obsessed with just the sleep of my child. No, I also spend a large part of the day analyzing how much sleep I get. I am also very interested in how much sleep my husband gets and how that compares to my own. I also frequently investigate the sleeping habits of my friends and their families in an effort to determine whether they are getting more or less than I am. When I am really looking to feel crappy, I ask my childless friends how much sleep they are getting. But they usually don’t know…
4. My phone contains hundreds of duplicate photos
Nowadays, people take somewhere between 2 and 10 photos of the same thing before choosing the best one or possibly 2 and deleting the rest. It goes without saying that I obsessively take photos of my daughter doing absolutely nothing, but thanks to Apple’s handy “burst” photo option, I typically take between 5 and 100 photos of her in the exact same position over the course of just a few seconds. This would be no problem if I could delete the extra 99 photos, but I find myself unable to do so. On a good day I delete about half of the photos I take of her. On a bad day I end up with 100 photos of my child holding her bunny up to her face because in each one her smile has changed slightly and I might want one of the other ones someday. I guess you could say I’m a technological horder now.
5. I can’t live without Amazon Prime.
Not only has shopping become somewhat of a burden (due to my unfamiliar body shape and the addition of one very unwilling participant) but I find myself NEEDING to buy useless crap that promises to entertain/feed/calm/educate my child. Not only do I need these things, but I need them immediately at 3 AM when I’m unreasonably googling whether or not your child can drown because you forcibly squirted medicine they didn’t want want down their throat while they were crying (In case this article came up in your own Google search on the topic- my own yielded very few results- I’d like to report that Hazel made it through a 3 x per day course of antibiotics administered in this fashion without drowning. However, I am not a doctor and I still believe it might be possible).