There are a million baby carriers out there, and a lot of pregnant people ask “What should I look for in a baby carrier?” The answer to this question will reveal itself once you have a child. However, here’s a handy guide that you can use to get started.
The Ergobaby Mom
This mom knows that her child’s hips are no joke. She has said the word “ergonomic” thousands of times, even in conversations that don’t relate to the carrier. In her spare time she reads baby expert books and highlights the important parts. She religiously reads reviews and meticulously researches each and every item that she brings into her baby’s life. She will literally pay any amount, no matter how insane it might seem, to ensure that her child develops according to the timeline she read about in the Mayo-Clinic Guide To Your Baby’s First Year.
The Bjorn Mom
Imagine the Ergobaby Mom, but subtract a quarter of her savings and make her a little bit scattier. This is Bjorn Mom. She wants to research things meticulously- and she did at the beginning- but now she gets most of her information from message boards, dodgy Facebook posts and the things her friends tell her. Sometimes, she makes up her own facts based on experience, which she believes makes her somewhat of a savant. This mom cares deeply about her child’s development, but lost her copy of the Mayo-Clinic Guide somewhere around week 6. She probably used it to prop the baby’s crib up because people said that would help with sleep (total bullshit). This woman has dropped her baby at least once, but has never told anyone.
This mom definitely does yoga and wore flower crowns long before Claire’s started selling them. She quotes Rumi on Facebook and has been listening to Regina Spektor since before Orange is the New Black came out. Her family eats things like kale, quinoa and chia seeds and her baby is going to be bi-lingual. Her child’s name is either: 1.gender neutral 2. difficult to spell 3. not really a name. She constantly tells people how amazingly comfortable wrapping is and repeats the phrase “it’s not hard once you get the hang of it” quite a lot. She knows a lot about the origins and benefits (both spiritual and physical) of wrapping and probably participates in a program that encourages new moms to breastfeed until their child is old enough to go to University.
This woman thought she was a Wrapping Mom, but when it came time to attach her baby to herself using a giant string, things began to fall apart. You can find this mom in hipster coffeshops struggling to attach her screaming, wriggling child to her body over and over again. The hips. This mom truly believes in the benefits of wrapping and she’s seen others from her yoga class carrying their babies this way. They keep telling her it isn’t hard once she gets the hang of it, but so far it still takes quite a few tries before her baby is secure. Her child’s name is something like Mark or Jennifer, so she is unlikely to ever excel at wrapping.
This mom is similar to Unraveling Mom, but she either gave up or knew in her heart of hearts that she’d never be coordinated enough to be a baby wrapper. She attends the beginners yoga class at her gym every few months and she visits coffee shops frequently, but they are usually a Starbucks or a Costa so she might as well be going to McDonald’s. Like Wrapping Mom, K’Tan Mom knows a lot about the benefits of wrapping and loves sharing this knowledge with other people, because it feels good to be smug when you haven’t had to put all the hard work in.
No Carrier Mom
This woman probably has a carrier, somewhere, but she either forgot it, couldn’t find it or couldn’t be bothered. She is usually also carrying quite a few other things and a carrier would have been a useful addition. No-Carrier Mom usually has a few other children and doesn’t research anything anymore. She sometimes hands the baby to her 4 year old so she can take a swig of coffee and get on with it. This mom believes that her baby will be fine whether she holds it like a football or has its hips perfectly aligned. Like Bjorn Mom, she has dropped at least one of her children, but she’s proud of their resilience and tells the story frequently at parties.