They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I beg to differ. I think you really just need Amazon Prime.
I joined Amazon Prime in November on Black Friday when they were offering half-price memberships. I knew it would come in handy down the line when we were getting ready for the birth of our first child, and I was right.
I knew I would need someone to be there for me when I was housebound. Someone who would be there late at night, comforting me, offering hope that tomorrow would be a brighter day. I needed a friend that would offer alternative solutions and make my life easier. Amazon Prime was all that and more to me, so it’s only right that I acknowledge the special bond we’ve forged by sharing our history together.
February 7: Preparing for baby
It was at this time that having a baby became very real. Not real enough to pack a hospital bag (we put that off until the night I went into labor) but real enough to make sure I was prepared with the essentials. On February 7 I thought it would be prudent to order a gel manicure set because I wanted my nails to look nice when I met my child (and for the photos, which are a top concern for any good mother).
At the time, I thought ordering the gel manicure set (including the base coat, color, top coat and LED light) was a good way to prepare for motherhood because I was unlikely to have time to get my nails done (something I never did anyway) and would need to give myself at-home manicures (WTF?)
I also included in this purchase a tiny-sized England Rugby top, because I was obsessed with the six nations at the time and I felt sure that Hazel would be a good luck charm for the England team. This turned out to be true as England didn’t lose a single game during her first year of life.
March 24: Shit Gets Real
On March 24th, I’d been Hazel’s mother for nearly 1 month and things were deteriorating rapidly. Not only were my nails looking terrible, but I, in general, looked like an escapee from an insane asylum. I constantly had my boobs on display because I was still getting the hang of breastfeeding and we had quite a few visitors coming in and out. In an effort to reign things in a little bit I bought an assortment of nursing bras and a Medela swing breast pump. Many people might be wondering why I didn’t buy these things before I had a baby, as they seem like pretty standard necessities for new moms. The answer is that I had no idea what was coming, and I bought things like nail polish when I was preparing for motherhood.
April 6-April 20: The Honeymoon
During the month of April, my mom and dad came to visit and help out with the new baby. This is evident in my purchase history because my orders are based around random projects I’d found on Pinterest. It was during this time that we felt we had things firmly under control, so I bought giant flower headbands in 15 different colors, baby books and photo canvas prints for the nursery.
April 22: Sleep Deprivation Takes Hold
Amazon doesn’t let you see a time stamp for when your orders were placed, but I actually remember this order vividly. It was somewhere in the 2’s or 3’s and I’d been rocking Hazel for a good few hours. My parents were no longer visiting. My husband was back at work. I was heavily addicted to motherhood forums on baby sleep.
On April 22, my love for Amazon Prime really blossomed. At 2 am I filled my shopping cart with a Baby K’tan Wrap (I’d read that baby wearing helps with sleep), the Merlin Magic Sleep Suit (I literally bought it because of the name) Sleep inducing bubble bath (ridiculous) and a specially designed baby pillow (WTF). When I got to the final ordering page, I noticed that I could select “Same day” shipping.
That was when I realized that together, Amazon Prime and I could raise this baby.
May 21: Teething
On May 21, I was sure that at least part of the reason my baby wasn’t sleeping was because she was teething. Being the earth-mama that I am, I was hesitant to give her any kind of teething gel or medication. Instead, I turned to Amazon and bought 13, yes 13 different teething remedies.
Among them were breastmilk popsicle moulds (she hated them, and honestly who can blame her.), a baby boxing glove that you FASTEN TO THEIR HAND which has all kinds of teething stuff sticking out the sides, Sophie the Giraffe (I already know about the mold problems and I don’t care) and a ring of water that you can freeze but that unfreezes faster than actual ice.
The only one of these remedies that I can recommend to you is the boxing glove, but purely for the entertainment value.
This order also included a bathroom scale because I’m a glutton for punishment.
June 5: Mamma Gets In Shape
In early June, I felt ready to start getting back in shape. Most of the reason for this, I’m sure, was due to the bathroom scale I’d ordered on May 21. By June 5, a full 2 weeks after the scale purchase, I was feeling pretty guilty and ready to get myself back on track. I did what any mother ready to get her body back would do- I turned to Amazon for help.
On June 5th I loaded my cart with healthy lifestyle essentials- I bought 3kg of quinoa, padded underwear, a vegetable spiralizer, yoga pants, ankle weights and an electronic body fat analyzer.
Lets do this.
June 7: Motivation waning
On June 7, I bought a 3-pack of Ranch dressing. I also purchased an ice-cream making machine and recipe book. It’s a slippery slope.
July 22: Preparing For Our First Holiday
In August I took Hazel on her first vacation to Madiera, but I began prepping for that vacation early on because I was irrationally worried about the sun and the effect it might have on her perfect skin. On July 22nd I compiled all of my mommy message board research into one massive Amazon order that looked like this:
3 different types of sun hats, 2 sun-protecting swimsuits that cover your child head to toe, 2 different types of organic, chemical free, no tears, made from stardust and unicorn tears baby-sunscreen, and quiet but entertaining toys for the plane ride.
July 30: F*ck The Health Visitor
I want to preface this by saying that the health visitors were extremely helpful in many other situations and I have nothing against them in general, but at this time I’d slept very little and this title of my July 30 order reflects my feelings at that time.
By the end of July, I’d been running on about 5 hours of sleep broken into 1-3 hour blocks for 5 months. We were still holding out on using a pacifier because we’d been warned that they were the devil and I was having public melt-downs on a relatively regular basis.
One particularly bad day in July I went to the health visitors with my problems, but their advice (to stick it out and avoid using a pacifier at all costs) was the straw that broke the camel’s back. July 30 is the last day I ever visited the Health Visitors’ clinic because I realized that I didn’t need their advice and that the reviews given by complete strangers on Amazon would be more than sufficient to help me raise my child.
On this day I decided to be particularly rebellious and order all the things I’d been advised against using- a 3 pack of pacifiers as well as one pacifier attached to a stuffed animal and a package of formula. Take that, ya bitches.
I also thoroughly researched purchasing a baby scale so I could keep track of Hazel’s weight myself, but opted instead for a luggage weigher- which I have used together with a bag to weigh her for the past year (I highly recommend this method).
August 8: Vacation Panic
With our Madeira vacation coming up in just 3 days, I realized that the majority of my bikinis were both ill-fitting and highly inappropriate for a vacation with your in-laws. It was at this time that I took advantage of Amazon’s next-day shipping and free return policy by ordering 18 bathing suits. I also threw in an additional sun hat and sunscreen for Hazel because, paranoia.
October 25: Healthy Resurgence
In October, my efforts to get my body back re-emmerged. I breastfed Hazel for the recommended 6 months and when I stopped I realized why people say that breastfeeding helps them lose weight. Not only does it burn extra calories, but I was intensely paranoid that what I was eating was causing Hazel to have colic (that was not the case) so I didn’t eat things like chocolate or drink alcohol (much). However, once I stopped breastfeeding I gained weight quickly. At the end of October, when I basically had no clothing left, I decided to make a change. For real this time.
As usual, Amazon was there to help kickstart my fitness regime with a new pair of yoga pants, an athletic swim-suit, and some coconut oil.
November 20: Saying Goodbye
Every love story must come to an end, and mine, with Amazon Prime did just that exactly one year after we got together. It was a sad day for me, but my husband insisted that waiting 2 days for free shipping was a sacrifice I could make.
It was a hard few months having to wait 2, sometimes 3, days for my purchases. But don’t worry, this story has a happy ending. You see, after I told my brother and his wife about Amazon’s integral role in the raising of my daughter, they bought me a Prime membership for my birthday.