I’m definitely a 1 and a 6.
So, a real asset to the squad.
1. The Total Disaster
This mom is late. Always. In fact, if she’s late then you should count yourself lucky that she even showed up. She often cancels at the last minute and the number of poop explosions she’s had make you question her nappy skills. She needs constant reminding of future plans. But even then there’s a good chance she’ll forget.
This mom is constantly posting things like “ajdksl;nvn19nnnnnn” in your WhatsApp group because her child has her phone. Those are pretty much the contributions she makes to the WhatsApp conversation, aside from an occasional remark relating to a question that took place a few days ago.
2. The Organizer
She is the glue that holds your squad together. She makes plans. She is optimistic about free time, child behavior, fitness levels and weather. She never misses any events and everyone wonders whether or not she is taking that drug from Limitless.
She remembers holidays, birthdays, addresses and spouse names of every squad member, even those who barely ever attend. Her Christmas card arrives on December 1 and her Instagram makes you feel like a slob. She organized a coffee meet up at her house hours after giving birth at which she served a selection of home-made baked goods. Without her, there would be no squad.
3. The Hipster
This woman’s child is impossibly well dressed. You are often jealous of her child’s clothing and have researched whether or not they have it in adult sizes. Her child has an impressive collection of old-school, obscure toys that make you feel intensely guilty about the Peppa Pig themed toy box you have going on at home.
Her child has a selection of moccasins and at least one shirt with a pretend camera hanging from the neck. Instead of obsessively taking phone photos and videos like the rest of us, she lugs around a giant DSLR camera in her nappy bag to capture the moments that really matter.
4. The Fit One
This mom is in annoyingly good shape. She has a running buggy and an impossibly flat stomach, which reminds you that having a child isn’t the only reason you’re looking a little bit jiggly these days. She usually wants to meet up for a walk/hike/swim, after which you usually suggest a beer/wine/cocktail.
Without her, every squad meet up would involve cake, crisps and sofas and she can always be counted on to bring a healthy snack alternative at gatherings. Every so often you get a surge of motivation and join her on a run or two, but generally you just admire her from afar.
5. The Earth Mamma
You have a love-hate relationship with this squad member. On one hand, she is a wealth of knowledge that comes in super handy when nothing is helping your poorly child. But on the other hand, you feel super guilty feeding your child cheese on toast for the third time this week when you see her own beige-clad child eating seaweed crisps and lentils.
Her dairy/gluten/meat-free lifestyle leaves her with incredible skin and although she doesn’t wear deodorant, her hempy smell doesn’t bother you. Playdates can be challenging because all of her child’s toys are wooden and beige, so your own overstimulated baby is unable to amuse herself.
6. The One With All The Research
This mom literally knows about everything. Much of her research comes from very questionable sources like message boards and Facebook, but she barrels forward with her opinions anyway. Don’t even ask her about sleep cycles because she has a PHD from NetMums University on that shit.
She often scares the rest of the group with horror stories about “friends of friends” (other moms on message boards) and even though you know she’s lost the plot a little bit, many of her claims lead you down the same late-night internet trolling path.