There are a lot of things that I thought were pretty disgusting before I had children. Now, I’d be surprised if you could shock me.
Kisses From Children
Before I had a child I was NOT into kissing other people’s kids- even the ones that are related to me. I was fine with kissing them on the forehead when they were babies, but when they became snotty, drooling toddlers I used to turn my face at the last second so their kisses would land on my cheek and then immediately (and secretly) wipe their saliva from my skin while praying they didn’t have any communicable diseases.
There was a time when doctors and I had a pretty chill relationship. It went a little something like this: I self-diagnose and don’t go to see them unless my illness becomes debilitating.
Those were great times.
Now that I have a child, I feel it is my duty to confirm my own suspicions by checking my own thorough research against their vast medical knowledge. This is a problem for the medical community because I’ve become somewhat of a nuisance. Continue reading “Here’s Why Doctors Hate Me”
Have you ever deviated from your child’s nap time routine? I did once. It went a little something like this:
6:45 am: Wake up to find that Hazel is still asleep. I can’t believe it! Joy overcomes me. I’ll just close my eyes and enjoy the next 15 minutes before I go and get her up.
7:45 am: Wake up to hear Hazel cooing in her crib. Shit. Full panic mode. We are 45 minutes behind schedule. What is going to happen to her nap? Will she go to bed tonight? This is a total disaster.
8:00 am: While giving her a bottle I try to see the positive side of the situation. I tell myself to relax. Try to enjoy this, Laura. You WANT her to sleep remember? So what if you’re off track with the routine for one day. It will be fine. Just take your cues from Hazel- she can sleep when she’s tired. Why would you ever wake your child up in the morning?! That’s crazy talk. I find The Baby Whisperer and read up on how to be a relaxed, go-with-the-flow mom.
9:30 am: Screw that hippy bullshit. Things are starting to crumble. All I can think about is the fact that she is supposed to be asleep from 9:30 to 10. I literally cannot stop myself from looking at the clock and feeling the pang of regret over what I’ve done. She’s supposed to be sleeping right now. I must resist this powerful urge to put her down for a nap.
9:35 am: I’m going to put her down for a nap. I can’t stop myself. We have to try to get back on track.
Last year, I took my 8 month old baby on an 8 hour plane ride to America. The flight out there was during the day, and the return was overnight. Needless to say, we were worried.
I must’ve read 30 different articles titled “Top Tips For Taking Your Baby On A Plane” in preparation for the flight and by the time it rolled around, I felt relatively confident that I could get through the whole ordeal unscathed. Armed with a suitcase full of toys and snacks I boarded American Airlines Flight 1550.
There are a million baby carriers out there, and a lot of pregnant people ask “What should I look for in a baby carrier?” The answer to this question will reveal itself once you have a child. However, here’s a handy guide that you can use to get started.
The other day I was commenting on how I can’t believe that it’s been almost a YEAR since Hazel was born. In just two short months my little baby will be turning ONE.
Ho. Ly. Cow.
While that’s miraculous and special and wonderful all on its own, this post is about something else- the fact that it’s been a YEAR since my little girl made her way into the world and things aren’t exactly the way I expected them to be. This is true in both the parenting department and also the mom-bod department, but this post is about the latter. I’ll probably regale you with my pearls of parenting wisdom another time. Today it’s all about that ass.
“It takes 9 months to get that way, so it will take at least 9 months to get back to normal” they said. “Don’t worry, you’ll be so busy looking after the baby that the weight will just melt off” they said.
Those little tidbits have not proven true. Turns out you have to do more than sit on the sofa eating bakewell tarts to loose your baby weight.
Not one single pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans fit. I have very few clothing choices that don’t make me feel like a sausage. This is a problem in the UK because the women over here don’t appear to have embraced the leggings trend. It’s called athleisure people. You wear workout clothes as your real clothes because they’re forgiving and they make you look dedicated. Everyone just does it and no one talks about the real reason behind it. For the love of god get on board. Sometimes I really do miss America.